Something New...

It's been a while, but I am just going to jump right in.  Our lives have not been too boring since last I posted.  We are now living with my parents and hoping this set up can help us continue on our "Downsize and Debt Free" journey.  Nathellia was attending preschool where I work but we decided it's really not what we want for our kids.  So I've been doing some research and planning for what I can do to keep her on track with some basic language arts and math skills while adding in the Bible component.  I found an amazing website that I am excited to use.  It makes me think about the possibility that I could be a homeschool mom and maybe someday just a homeschool mom.  It's gonna be a lot of work for Nate and I, but it's what we want and feel led to do for her and Briella, and hopefully other kids someday also.  That's about all I have for now... I need to take more pics and add them to this blog. 

A little rest...

This week has been very wearisome.  We've all been sick.  The illnesses, and teething, began well over a week ago and lasted for some time.  We also made the final push to move the rest of our stuff to our new, temporary home - aka, my parent's house.  (yes... we moved again but that's another story that hopefully leads to some healing and resolution some day) This is how it played out.  Friday night with runny noses, headaches, etc. we began loading our big stuff and moving it out, woke up on Saturday and worked on it while fighting off more sniffles, bad coughs, and exhaustion.  Sunday we had a friend come help move 'the big stuff' and unload it at the new place, which was wonderful since I was basically having a mental breakdown and was ready to run away from it all.  I took Monday off from work due to being sick to my stomach.  Nathellia missed preschool that day due to puking on Sunday, while we were moving.  Each evening we had to go finish moving and organizing and we just weren't getting better so I made us all doctor's appointments and we all went together.  I was the only one put on meds, but after taking another day off of work, unpacking some more things, getting more settled, and getting some awesome sleep, I and the rest of my family are finally feeling better. 

On top of some good rest I was able to get some great fellowship with a friend from college, along with some awesome worship music and divine messages.  Some highlights from that were...
- Why are you losing your peace over something you have no control over?
- make sure your prayers are scary, not scared.
- don't worship your problems
- we rarely notice the blessings of the season we are currently in in life.  We don't notice all the blessings and perfect timing of things until we are into the next season.
- Everything in our life will change at one point or another.  Everything, except God.
- When you have junk buried deep down, God will continue to bring it up until you and He deal with it together.
- Allow His overwhelming love to overwhelm your overwhelming circumstances
- God does not get involved if you can do it on your own...

And so much more.  It reassured me that even though life these last few months has seemed overwhelmingly overwhelming, we can't just stop moving.  We can't just set up camp and give up.  We must keep moving and see what God has in store.  We may have to deal with some stressful things, but that's ok.  It's expected.  It's life.  We may have to deal with others questioning our decisions, but we, I hope, will do what God wants us to do.  In the short run, I just want to be a more attentive wife, mom, and employee.  We'll see what I'm to do when I am in another season. And I know Nate is looking forward to what God has in store for him and all of us as a family.  It will be good.  We will continue to be loved and blessed. 
~ML

It continues...

It amazes me at how difficult life can be sometimes.  And it seems to get worse as time goes on.  I sit and try to think about why it seems so hard to be productive at home after working all day at work.  I sit at work and wonder why I am so tired some days as I drink my coffee and listen to kids read to me.  And there is never just one answer.  Stress.  Allergies.  A cold.  An infection.  A sick kid who coughs while she's sleeping next to you as you lay awake wondering what else you can do to help her stop coughing.  There could be so many reasons. And the sad thing is, I think we as a society do this to ourselves.  We think this is the way to live.  I view what we, as a society in general, are doing as struggle.  So... let's stop struggling to live.  Let's eliminate some things in our life that cause us to struggle and learn how to live.  Right?  Well, Nate and I, knowing we sure can't change society as a whole, have taken some steps that we truly believe will get US to that point someday.  A life of less stuff and more life. 

Today I am sitting in my mother-in-laws home typing this blog.  I don't have a house of my own to do this in.  We sold our house.  The house that we never owned but gave so much money to live in.  The house that literally became the place to sleep and shower in between working and running errands.  The house that I actually do not miss now that it's gone.  Don't get me wrong, I do miss that we had our own area, but it was a burden.  Getting rid of that cost will allow us to pay off the remainder of our debt and be DEBT FREE FOREVER!!  That's our desire anyway.  We know it was the HUGE step we needed to take to nuke the other debt we do still have. 

Having a huge financial burden be lifted off of us is something to celebrate, but it also means we are now 'taking over' an area of our family's house and that is stressful.  I like my personal space and I know other people do too.  Living all together is going to be a learning experience.  I know I've already had to step back and take a moment, apologize, ask for clarification about things I don't worry about but know others do... etc. etc.  It's just a huge learning experience and we are having to do that while organizing the belongings we still have, working full time, and being parents.  On top of that... we are mourning the loss of a father and grandfather and it just seems too much to handle sometimes. 

I don't know what it's like to just be a mom.  Nate doesn't know what it's like to just be a dad.  We surely don't know what/where the choices we are making right now will lead us to, but we have faith that it will help us be the mom, dad, and spouses we know we are called to be but haven't been yet.  I know we don't want to be this tired the rest of our lives and if we don't make some changes now, our lifestyle won't change.  So... it continues, but maybe the results will eventually improve.  :)

Exhausting August

I came home from a week long teacher's workshop at UW on August 1, 2014.  That trip made day #38 that I had not been home since the school year ended.  We had a blast the 17 days we were in TX, then such a great time on a road trip that took us camping in Northern WY for 4 days and 6 days in Glacier National Park, then out toward Spokane for a family reunion.  But then came August. 
Dad was moved to Hospice on August 2nd.  He stayed there until August 13th... the day he went home to be with the Lord after dealing with pancreatic cancer and all the struggle that came with it.  We somewhat lived there.  Being with him his last few days/weeks was a different form of exhaustion than I have ever experienced and I don't wish it on anyone.  At the same time, I am so glad we were able to be there with him, family, his friends, and his coworkers.  August 18th was the day of his funeral.  I chose to take bereavement time this week, but would have been back to work on the 20th.  I go back on Monday the 25th and I am feeling a little anxious in good and bad ways.  I'm at a new school.  I don't know all the ins and outs of things at that school and have made NO attempt to get my room prepared for students.   I know if I was at my former school it would not matter and I would be allowed all the time needed (reasonably) to prepare even after students had arrived.  I am so thankful I am tutoring again because that takes some strain off.  I love tutoring and I don't think it will take much time for me to get back in the swing of things. 
Anyway, there's good and bad going on along with the natural stresses that come with losing a loved one.  I still can't believe Jason is gone... A lot of my stress comes from the effort Nate and I are doing to "Downsize and be Debt Free".  (I'll have to blog about that soon).  I wanted to be done with the 'downsizing' of our things before I went back to work, but it just hasn't happened.  We have a good start and I know we can't stop or our goals won't be reached.  It's so easy to just give up, but I'm not going to and I am going to continue to ask the Lord and my husband for reassurance that we can do this and it will lead us to what the Lord wants us to do next/now.  It's just exhausting getting there, and before we know it, it will be a new month... perhaps "Pleasant September"?  Yes please!

P.S.  Thanks to everyone who prayed for Jason and us, who shared their love for him with us on FB and through emails, and who sent cards and flowers... we were blessed by those things.  :)

Hospice

Nate's dad has been in hospice since Saturday.  I am one of those people who am comfortable in hospitals.  My mom was a medical transcriptionist and we spent time in the hospital or various doctor's offices while she worked.  So visiting dad at the hospital on and off since January hasn't made me too uncomfortable beyond the reason we were visiting him, but I know it was not comfortable for him or his wife and sons... He had his last surgery to replace the stent in his liver on July 28 and hasn't been able to be home since then.  Hopsice is a place of comfort.  He's been able to rest.  Everything they do there is based off of his wants, not doctor's orders.  So many people have come to see him.  We have had the opportunity to meet family, his work friends, sit and tell stories, or just sit and enjoy the quiet.  It's been so nice.  Nathellia and Briella bring a lot of life into that place each time they are there.  Kids have such a way of making all situations full of life.  We are just glad that Jason's as comfortable as possible.  We do not know how long dad will be with us.  We are grateful that we have time to spend there as school hasn't started yet and we have nothing else too pressing keeping us from being together as a family.  I can say I have never felt the way I feel lately.  There's this constant exhaustion hanging around and it's hard to wait, not know, and try to get in all the thoughts and memories while he's still here with us.  Jason has been very upbeat and talkative the entire time he's been there and I know he's enjoyed everyone visiting and connecting while, essentially, saying goodbye to him.  This time in our lives is very special, fragile, and life changing and I pray we all trust that God's timing is perfect and that we can be there for dad.  He told me Hospice is a godsend and is very glad to be spending his time there. 

The American Struggle

Do you ever just struggle?  Struggle with all sorts of things all the time?  It seems that Nate and I have gone through a continuous struggle for a long time.  With many things.  Our neighbors.  Our family.  Our jobs.  Our appliances and tools.  Our house.  Our dog.  It's a continuous battle to get over something that doesn't go quite right or goes completely wrong.  We have some really good days and weeks but then one thing happens and it seems to set us back.  It's begun to discourage me more and it's making me hate being an adult.  It's made me think that this thing we call "the American Dream" is nothing but a race and struggle that is morphing our society into something that is nothing but a nightmare.  Nate has this idea that our work hours could be cut in half, if not more, because of the technology we have, but something continues to prevent moms and dads from spending time raising their own children to work.  It makes me regret not being thoughtful about my future when I met Nate and knew I wanted to marry him.  Why didn't I want to be a stay at home wife when I met him?  Why wasn't that our goal?  Am I doing what God has called me to do?  I am good at what I do, but because I have my own children now, I can't put the time into my job like I could before.  And I know my girls don't get nearly the mom time and guidance they could if I wasn't so preoccupied with this thing we call a career.  The way we live doesn't seem right to me.  I guess that's what I am getting at.  Are we all chasing things of this world in vain?  Is it all for naught?  Or are we being shaped and prepared for something that will come later?  "Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴ perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵ And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us."  I sure know I don't want to persevere sometimes.  Tonight I just want to give up but then a piece of my heart and mind say "No!" and I ask God to help me understand why the small struggles are occurring.  Maybe I have no character and He wants me to develop that... Maybe He wants me to trust in Him more each day and give Him control.  I like control.  Maybe too much.  It's a struggle and I don't want it to be, so I will pray that this time of our lives will be a learning experience.  I'll pray we become better people during this time and work to find what God is calling us to do... if we aren't already doing it.

~M